1 Million Pesos In 1 Year Off Post – I Am A Freelancer With No Savings With Debts But With A Story To Tell

This is an off post from my regular updates. I just want to share something about me, what I am going through and perhaps you guys who are reading my blog might be of the same boat as me.

I am 26 years old, married for 3 years, no kid and have been working as a freelancer for about 6 years now. What I have got for myself while working as a freelancer…

- a husband
- 1 huge flat screen TV from Philips which until now is under repair by my uncle who is an electrician
- 2 years ½ in law school ( I paid for my tuition fee and books)
- Cellphones (cheap brand new ones, and used ones)
- Clothes, shoes, etc.
- 1 compaq laptop old (sold for 500php? if I remember it right, bought it at 5,000php)
- 1 Toshiba satellite laptop (bought it at 6,000php still functioning now)
- 2 desktops, used (9,000php each one for my hubby and one for me)
- house from Camella (worth 1.4 million pesos, 7 years to pay and I am behind on mortgage, probably paid around 200,000+ pesos already)
- an outsourcing business that lasted for 6 months only
- membership in Club Ultima (behind in payments)
- money in the hands of my auntie (11,000php let her borrowed to have some capital on her business)
- many that I forgot already

Currently, I am living with my parents together with my husband. My mother and father have constantly been reminding, moaning, and giving me long sermons why I am such a mess that I am earning more money than them yet I have nothing…hmmm…

The other day, my mother and I had a heated conversation… She always compares me to other married couples that they have this and that. One married couple who happened to by my cousin, who is younger than me who finished high school, had 60,000php as savings. She is pregnant and due months from now. She and her husband works for my mom, their combined salary is 6,000php a month (safe estimate).

Then, another couple the guy who happened to be sales boy in a small sari sari store in Carbon Market married a teacher. The guy now is selling plastics and earns more than what he was earning before. My mother heard that the guy has been bragging about their house is filled with stuff like TV, electric fan, etc. Their house? They live in Carbon together with the wife’s father. The wife is working as a teacher.

My mother told me people who have been working with her now do have their own lands. To my thinking, they are children of their parents. The land if the claim of my mother is true is to their parents not theirs. If they are rich why they are working to earn 2,000php a month?

I told my mother, why you always pressure and stressing me out trying to compare me with other people. She keeps on making me feel that she is frustrated that I graduated college and what I have learned in school will lead me to nowhere if I keep on sticking to them. I told her, I did not use and brag about what I have learned in school and that I am a valedictorian and salutatorian… I did not even make use of what I have learned in school of what I am facing today.

I always keep on telling her and my father, I do not want to end up like you two – working 7 days a week, with less sleep, stressed out, no happiness and have kids that are wounded emotionally. Thinking we are not loved, less liked by people because we are ugly, etc. I always emphasize to my mother that money is not equated to success. It’s not by the number of cars, houses, money I got in the bank. I do not want to be a slave of money.

It is as if that I am a big failure coz I have a husband who likes to drink, who get nasty when he drinks too much and who beats me up when being triggered by me plus I am broke.

My mother always tell me I am selfish that even the money I have earned when I was single she did not get hold of. I told her, you always tell me that you do not want to have anything to do what I earn and not ask a single centavo when I work and now you are telling me all these. I also told her, I am not stupid enough not to think of my future and not helping you out when you grow older. She always tells me that I will be the one who will not help her when they grow old. How can I? When they have been pushing me not to do it anyways.

She even calculated that I am earning like almost 100,000php a month when in fact I am not close to that. I am working as a freelancer, there are months I earn less, and there are months I earn more.

Besides, I am not the type of person who will broadcast and tell them this is where my money goes; this is what I have been doing, etc. They always see me as a spender and I spend this and that… I do have my luxuries like food and massages but I have minimized them now due to my goal of raising 1 million pesos in 1 year.

I just don’t like that my parents are more concern on what people think about me, my husband, my status in the society, my reputation more than how I feel… if I felt loved by them, by my sisters or by husband…

Oh one more thing, my father even got mad at me because my mother was angry with me because I do not want to go to church and attend mass every Sunday with them… They see my situation as something that go to do with my relationship with God, etc. I told my mother and father, I will not go to church, hear mass and trying to look as if everything is okay. Who am I fooling, God? I want to attend mass with my heart not burdened with anger or hatred but with peace. My father told me end of May 2011 to not live in their house if I do not want to abide to what they want me to do and if I want to do things on my own, so I did. I leave my parents house for 3 weeks and I learned a lot during those times…

My parents did not know that I go to Sto. Nino Church, light candles, pray and talk to God. Then, get inside the church, fill up an envelope and offer mass for the souls of my deposed grandparents and to all the souls in purgatory. After this, I go to the altar, kneel down and talk to God for the second time. I do not ask for anything but simply thank Him for all the blessings that I have been receiving, sorry for all my sins, and lead me to the right path. Bless those people who loved and hated me…I do this when I feel so light-hearted to go to the church. I usually go there during lunch time when there is no mass and not too many people are about; I want it to be solemn when I talk to God.

Yes, I do admit I am not successful when it comes to material stuff, marriage, etc. as what is being defined by the society. But all I can say I am still searching for myself, longing for happiness and wanting to touch many lives as much as possible.

If you might have observed, I talked back to my parents. My parents have this notion because I always talk back at them and I am very hot-tempered, spoiled, “maldita”, and thinks I am better than the rest have contributed to the situation I am now.

For the past years, I have been blaming my parents because of what I am today… I have a fucked up life, a husband who does not bring in money to the plate, and a financially ruined life… But after my birthday last June 2011, I have realized that I need to stop blaming. This is my life; I am responsible for my life. Yes, some people may have contributed to where I am now but at the end of the day – I had the choice. If I could have been wiser enough I would not have been this way. But I think this is what 20s is all about, trying to get through life and learn from lessons.

Now, I seldom get angry. My husband starts to help out a bit; he now washed clothes and arranges the bed. At least there is a slight change on him. For the past 25 years, I was angry at myself, at everyone that it reflects on the kind of life I have. As of the moment, I am calmer… I learned to be patient. Take things slowly and think things through before I do them. I started to realize that when I care, love and accept myself, everything around me will soon be different. My relationship with my parents start to flourish even if not much, my relationship with my husband starts to blossom and my relationship with my sisters start to develop which was not the case before.